“Guy abeg no finish this garri because the way you
dey rush am, you fit compete with Usain Bolt o”
Mark said angrily as he picked up the plate of garri
which they were drinking and gulped it all at once.
“Chai Mark you be b——s I swear, am sure na
your mama grand mama wey been go thief meat
from hunter trap nai make them curse una
generation with poverty, see as you dey rush garri
like goat” John teased him back.
“Shebi them say a friend of a thief, na thief him
be? which means say the curse dey also flow for
your bloodline too, Anuofia” Mark fired back.
“But wait o, how about the 5k wey we don get for
kpon kpon work? Make we use am start business
abi how you see am?”
“Na kwili kwili business abi chewing gum business
we go do, money sef wey we use dey feed on nai
you dey brag about. Them truly swear for you”
Mark replied as he got up to lick the remaining
garri particles of the plate. He believed that his
tongue was greater than any sponge in this world.
“Broooossss, I don see vision” John suddenly said
and jumped up to dance shoki startling Mark in the
process who stared at him like a mad man.
“I think say na weed dey manifest untop people,
abi garri sef don dey make person high? Wait o,
shebi if person wan craze na garri them dey soak
to make am well? Now wey garri don dey make
person craze that means na sand sand nai person
go chop to well abi? Bros abeg siddon na, no allow
people to begin think say na Ebola symptoms don
begin o” He warned his friend.
“Hehehe yeye boy, na new business idea wey just
fling enter my head now sef, if you know how the
idea good you for just follow me dey dance now”
John replied and changed to skelewu dance steps.
“The only business wey I know wey you ever bring
na that sugar cane business wey you convince me
to do, you nearly make people burn us because
them think say we be bokoharamist, abi which
better idea fit enter this your head after you don
carry 51 over 50 for class since wey you start
school, infact your foolishness been too much
sowtey the pikin wey dey your headmistress belly
collect the last position from you” Mark teased
“Mehn na kidnapping business just enter my mind
now now, na our jackpot to success be that” John
“Ehhhh bros now I know say garri dey refresh
person brain like how ashawo dey change
customers, na where you keep this part of brain
since, me sef no think about this idea sef. Oboy
when we go start na, because I sure say na papa
Ngozi chicken and goat you wan begin kidnap”
“You too dey joke jare, I meant real kidnapping
business, we go kidnap big man children and ask
for ransom” John replied seriously.
“Now I know say devil don dey use your brain play
ludo, na who you wan kidnap for this village to get
money? Abi you want make them swear for you?”
Mark said angrily.
“Bros calm down, who say we go kidnap here, if
say Wizkid been dey sing for inside him room or for
birthday party you think say him for don become
big musician today, mehn you gats to upgrade o,
go in search of greener pastures….”
“Ehhhh wonders shall never end, John na which
time your english teacher comot from grave wey
your accent change, chai oya where we go start
our kidnapping business now?” Mark asked.
“Now you are speaking my language, na Abuja we
go base, when we kidnap one big man pikin and
collect ransom then we go run go Lasgidi wether
Banky W go fit sign us for him label” John
“Label ko Babel Ni? Na for otapiapia bottle nai
them go feature us, eg, we go wear big eyeglass
then hold bottles of mosquito medicine dey rap for
hold up abi, na there nai we go dey do our
concerts” Mark mocked him.
“Chai na which kin goat wey I get as roommate,
sha no be room mate, I go say hut mate. But guy
serious na because if I make am and you come dey
check me for house I go say make them tell you
say I dey do collabo with Tyga o” John fired back.
“Oyana nothing spoil but incase you fail, you go
take the blame o”
“Eh no problem I gree but if I succed then na
70-30% we go share o, you gree?”
“Yes o, I gree, and if police catch us and jugde
sentece us to like 10years imprisonment, just know
say I go spend 3 years while you spend 7 years o”
They agreed on the kidnapping deal and bet to seal
the deal before they went out to pack their few
belongings, John took only two pair of shirts and
trousers, wore tripple boxers and then waited for
Mark who was packing even the cobwebs in their
small hut as finally remembrance of their
They waved the area boys goodbye and took night
bus to Abuja…
~Abuja (Garki metropolis)~
“Guy you dey piss for mouth?” John shouted into
Marks ears, Mark jumped up startled.
“Oboy na sweat be this abi rain be fall inside bus?”
Mark asked innoncently.
“Abeg look that car window, you go see as rain
create extra moustache full you face come join with
your cloth” John answered as Mark ran to look at
a car’s side mirror, he screamed and used his shirt
to wipe the white stains on his face.
“Guy you wicked o, why you no wake me as saliva
dey drop na?”
“Wake you? I for even carry bucket dey fetch am
sef then we for tie am for leather go sell as internal
drip for hospitals” he mocked his friend who
playfully punched him.
“Oya what’s next on your agenda, we don reach
Abj so wetin dey next abi na random kidnapping
“No, you know say this na high grade kidnapping
business so we go need car wey we go use carry
the pikin” John explained.
“Oya na your two ears we go use do tires abi, while
your waist go be my seat shey?”
“Ohh guy why you no get sense na? I dey talk of to
go thief motor wey we go use for this mission”
“Chai bros ur brain hot pass sun joor, oya I thank
God I bring my toy gun sef”
The pointed at a man with a prado jeep who came
out and started confessing all his sins from all the
girls he had slept with to all the government money
he had embezzled.
“Oga so na your type dey thief our money abi?” A
rugged looking youth shouted at the man when he
opened his eyes.
“No baba, na the prayer point wey Father Mbaka
say make we pray for middle of road this afternoon,
abeg no vex joor” the man replied and tear race
while a long trail of angry fellows chased him.
John and Mark had been driving round big houses
for an hour before the saw a chubby handsome boy
sitting on a fence with a catapult and stones.
“Oboy match brake” Mark screamed as he saw the
The fence the chubby boy sat on contained a multi
modern bungalow and lots of cars, the great gate
showed that the owner was really wealthy, quickly
they dashed out and walked slowly towards the
“Hey fine boy how are you?” Mark spoke queens
english, the next thing that happened turned him to
an agbero immediately, the chubby boy fired a
small stone to his big mouth which increased in
size and width.
“Oboy your father, abeg catch am before na my
nose him go stone next” Mark shouted as the
dragged the boy’s leg and flinged him to their side,
the funny thing was that the boy showed no signs
of struggling neither did he shout.
They sped like two mad men through the city as
they looked for an isolated spot outside the city,
finally they saw an uncompleted building and
packed there, they checked the car’s pigeon hole
and found N10,000 there, quickly they grabbed the
money and ran to open the booth, what they saw
shocked them to their bone marrows.
The dude the kidnapped was not crying or choking
for breath, he was fast aslepp, using Marks’s bag
as his pillow, his legs well crossed and his catapult
was on his chest like a cacthiest. Mark followed a
sharp slap to the kid’s leg which made him spring
up, the guarded the booth incase the guy wanted to
run but the boy just lifted up his head and stared
around, he noticed that they were far from home,
immediately he screamed “YES” and placed his
hands like he was stringing a guitar to sing.
“I feel Good Parararararara…” Phahhh, a hot slap
landed on his face given to him by Mark.
“Wetin you dey feel good about, na the way you
increase the pomo for my mouth abi the fact say
we don kidnap me”
“Arhhh Uncle so una kidnap me? Arhhh I feel Good
“Sharrap” Mark and John shouted at the same
“Guy if you misbehave we go use you do money
rituals so you better ask any question wey I ask
you now” John warned.
“Ok Uncle” the boy replied but still smiling and
fidgeting with his catapult.
“Wetin be your name and papa name?”
“My name na Donsamtex but call me Samuel and
my father name na Thomas”
“Ok that’s good, your papa get money?”
“Yes Uncle, this evening them dey evem bring ten
million come give am”
“Yagga this is good news, oya no worry, when your
papa pay the money we go release you, no vex for
the slap wey you don chop, make I buy indomie
make we enjoy ourselves joor” John said while
Mark was already dancing sekem into the
Samuel followed them meekly as John frove out to
buy indomie, five alive and other minor stuffs. While
they were eating John drafted a ransom letter and
gave it to Mark to read out loud.
“Dear sir Thomas
This is to inform you thaat your son has been
kidnapped, we are asking for the sum of one million
naira or he dies. The money should be put in a
polythene bag and placed in a dust bin outside
your house then walk away, if the police is
involved, your son dies. The money should be ready
Yours sincerely, The Kidnappers”
“Oboy na so you get brain, walahi if say Waec
Know, them for change the D7 wey you get for
engish to C6” Mark belated.
“You wey know, I be intelligent neing from birth na”
“Oya do go drop the note and be careful o, we don
hammer joor, eh where Samuel?”
“Chai shebi him been siddon there, chai our money
access don run, oboy follow am joor”
They rushed outside to see Samuel shooting at
birds, they both gave a sigh of relief.
“Samuel wetin you dey do?”
“Brother I wan kill birds for night food na, our food
don finish” Samuel replied.
Mark ran into the building to confirm it, then ran
out with his hand on his head.
“Oboy this guy don ceared everything o”
“How come?” John replied.
“Uncle see my belly na, I sabi chop wella, e no even
do me sef” Samuel replied.
“Oya samuel no worry, make I go buy something
come back, oga Mark go keep you company, any
kin thing wey you wan do him go do with you”
“Uncle thank you, I promise not to run away, infact
I like as una no tie me sef” Samuel replied.
Mark gave John thumbs up as he went to deliver
the ransom later…
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