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I was in the parlour, going through GCE past questions when Kiki finally came out of her room. She was putting on a shirt that could only be his, her long legs swinging beneath them as she walked into the kitchen.
“I thought you would have slept, you are really studying hard,” she said, standing in front of me with a bowl of cereal.
“How can I sleep when we have an ex-convict in the house?”
She smiled and as expected, it completely disarmed me.
“Twinnie, you have nothing to be worried about, Bauchi is harmless.”
“So tell me, what was he arrested for?”
She sat down; making the shirt that was barely covering her knees become shorter.
For a slim and tall girl, she had remarkably full laps. Even her knee caps made turned me on.
“Someone owed him a great deal of money and refused to pay just because he was an influential person. All he did was visit the guy to convince him that it was necessary to pay him back there and then.”
“So what happened?”
“The man didn’t agree with him, so Bauchi took one of his cars. Days later he was arrested for car theft.”
“How long was he arrested?”
“5 months. See Fifi, I know I should have told you but you shouldn’t be worried. Bauchi is a great guy.”
I watched her bum bounce as she walked to her room.
Before long, I went to my room to sleep but was awakened by the screams of Ezekiel. Initially I didn’t flinch, I thought he was having one of his bouts with the devil but he persisted so I had to find out what was happening to our Ezekiel of life.
“Bro Fifi, what is this?” he said pointing Bauchi who had a tooth brush trapped between his lips.
The only thing that Bauchi had on was his beards. Besides that, he was stark Unclad.
“Good morning my man,” Bauchi said then continued with his brushing.
“Bro Fifi, I want my rent back, I have had enough.”
“Ezekiel, this is Bauchi, he is Kiki’s boyfriend.”
“I am not surprised. Just do and give me back the rent. I am leaving today!”
“Bauchi, where is Kiki?” I asked.
“School, she is a student. That my babe na correct girl.”
I was tempted to call Ezekiel’s bluff and give him his rent, but I didn’t want to do so because of Bauchi. But how does one tell a grown man to wear some clothes? Why should Ezekiel want to leave because he saw a Unclad man sef?
I left them to their drama.
Tope already had his bags packed when I got to his house. Ugo left for the police college earlier. Tope was in a bad mood cause Bose had decided to break up with him, he was gutted. School was going to be his escape route.
I was going to miss the guys, though I had prepared for the day they were going to leave and proceed with their lives, I still felt bad.
I was left with Kiki and her criminal of a boyfriend, Ezekiel and his gods, Oge and her baby daddy.
Ezekiel didn’t leave as threatened. Bauchi was another matter though. He never saw a reason to wear his clothes around the house. I spoke to Kiki about it but she said she was powerless about stopping him from being Unclad. It was discomforting when he sat on the chair, balls and all. Another problem I had with Bauchi was his apparent lack of ambition. After Ezekiel and Kiki leave for classes, He brings out his endless volume of choco and starts wrapping. If there is electricity, he would play Bob Marley or Fela, telling me how they were servants of God, that used music and weed for the liberation of the soul and salvation of the common man. In a way, Ezekiel and Bauchi were fighting the same battles; they were just using different prophets.
I liked the tea he made after smoking though. It was filled with Milk and something I later found out to be seeds of weed. They were so relaxing and soothing, though I had issues with his ambition, after few gulps of the tea, we would sing along to ‘Buffalo Soldier’ or ‘I shot the sheriff” or whatever goddam song that played when the dopamine high kicks in.
You could see that Kiki was completely head over heels in love with the thick beard skinny, tall, weed smoking no gooder. But I started liking him too. In no time I was used to him being Unclad in the house. We even sat on the same couch sometimes. It was still awkward watching his balls dangle infront of me.
There was this night when I became very thirsty. I was about to sleep, so I forced myself to go get a sachet of water from the fridge. What I saw stopped me on my tracks. Ezekiel was looking at Kiki have her bath through a tiny hole that age had caused the bathroom door. The more he looked, the more he rubbed his groin area. I wondered how long it had been going on because I was sure Kiki took her bath most nights. I wondered if he was being led by the holy spirit to stare at the unclothedness of a woman. Unfortunately for him, Bauchi caught him also. The thing is, although I had seen Bauchi open the room door and walk to the bathroom, Ezekiel didn’t. He was lost in whatever he was staring at. I envisaged what could happen so I closed my room door and ignored the thirst I was feeling.
I expected to hear an uproar but didn’t, instead Bauchi rushed into my room excited.
“Fifi guess what?” he asked, sitting on my bed with his bare ynansh.
“I just caught his eminence staring at my babe’s skrunus!”
Thats another thing about Bauchi, though he had a deep, low voice that many guys would envy and girls would adore, he mainly used it for nicknaming everything he could.
“What did you do to him?”
“I told him not to finish his vaseline o. He apologised and ran into his room.”
“You are not vexed?”
“You don’t get it right?”
“Get what, Bauchi?”
“His eminence is now part of us; he doesn’t just know it yet.”
He left my room with his preeq swinging anyhow. I didn’t know what he meant by Ezekiel was now part of us, I didn’t feel like I was part of any of them . My doubt was cleared some days later, when I came home to see Bauchi and Ezekiel, each with a glass of scotch. I looked closely at his cup to see if it was coke but it wasn’t.
“Why don’t you join us, Fifi. We are celebrating.”
“Ezekiel, you are drinking alcohol, wetin happen?”
He looked at me with dismay, he wanted to talk but couldn’t, I could see the drink was crashing his world.
Later I found out from Bauchi that he had assured Ezekiel that he would tell Kiki that he was staring at her when she took her bath if they didn’t share a drink together.
“You wouldn’t make heaven, you know?” I asked him.
“None of us would. Heaven is only for Marlie, Fela and Kennedy.”
“John Fitzgerald Kennedy.”
“Because he liberated the mind of the common back American before Johnson came to finish the good work.”
He was very knowledgeable.
“So you get to decide who goes to heaven?”
He smiled and resumed wrapping his jay.
In no time, Ezekiel started sipping drinks with us, started laughing at Bauchi’s sex filled jokes and surprisingly, they were getting really close. The house was at peace, even Ezekiel and Kiki were getting long well.
Then one night, while in my favourite couch, studying for my exams, I started hearing shouts in Kiki’s room. The door suddenly flung open with Bauchi running out while Kiki was close behind. He was Unclad as usual while Kiki was on bra and pants, in her hand was a need and a roll of thread.
“You must stitch me back up, you foolish guy, I hate you!” kiki screamed, charging to where he was.
“Fifi, Kiki has run mad o…hold her for me.”
“Bros, what did you do to her, why does she need stitches?”
“Fifi don’t mind him. I am tired of him sleeping with my friends. But he took this one too far. He slept with my cousin at her father’s burial. Her mother caught them and just called me. The idiot wanted to deny it.”
I looked at Bauchi, he was smiling.
“Kiki my baby, your cousin needed consolation; you know I don’t have any money. So I gave her my Ikolaba.”
“You see why I said you are mad. Leave my room Bauchi!”
“Okay I will leave, I will stay with my man here, Fifi.”
“I don’t have a problem but you must stitch me up o.”
I was lost for some seconds and she used that opportunity to rain different blows on Bauchi’s face. I had never seen her shout, talk less of fight. Love is not a beautiful thing.
“What is he stitching up?” I asked again
“My pvssy, he deflowered me, he must stitch it up.”
I would have laughed but I couldn’t. Bauchi made sigh to me that she was mad. She saw him and flung me out of her way before attacking him.
Bauchi swerved, escaping her clutch like fingers before dashing out of the house stark Unclad. It didn’t take long before our neighbours started screaming as he passed by them. I would have screamed if I saw an over 6 feet Unclad guy running towards me. Kiki wanted to follow suite but I stopped her.
It was about 1 am when he snuck into my room and positioned himself beside me.
“My man, sorry for what happened o…woman can be unnecessarily emotional.”
“Do you love her?” I asked him
“Yes na, to heaven and back again.”
“Why did you now disrespect her like that?”
“How was I to know that the mumsi will catch us?”
“But isn’t love about being true to the person even in absence?”
“Are you in love?” he asked
“No,” I replied.
“Then we should sleep my man. Tomorrow I have to toast Kiki again.”
You are Unclad, we can’t sleep on the same bed.
He was already snoring.
To Be Continued